


swimming with sharks

by poalimal



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Communication, Developing Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-15
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2019-08-02 08:50:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16301972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poalimal/pseuds/poalimal
Summary: Forever's not long enough.





	1. Chapter 1

 

Chris was 3 chapters deep into a hopeless Art History cram sesh when Nursey flopped down next to him on the bed and tossed his backpack to the floor. In a huff.

Chris finished up the last sentence in a paragraph about the many wives of Darius the Great: kind of interesting, largely unhelpful. Beside him, Nursey was silent and scowly. Chris looked him over.

'Hey there,' he said. He tapped his pen against his knee, considering. 'What's up?'

A tiny bridge appeared between Nursey's eyebrows. 'Marriage,' he said, 'is fake.'

Chris opened his mouth to object. Then he thought about it. He shrugged. 'Truuu,' he nodded, 'truuu.'

Nursey paused - then he exhaled like all the wind had left his body. He took a moment, then a moment more, careful with himself even as Chris watched, then he finally allowed a smile onto his face.

'Well,' he said, sheepish somehow, 'that kind of took the wind out of my sails, to be honest.'

Chris tilted his chin up and lightly blew at the front of Nursey's hair. It pretty much stayed put beneath his beanie, but Chris could tell Nursey appreciated the effort, if the way he started grinning was any indication. 'I will be -- _hwwwh_ ,' Chris blew, 'the cynical - _hwwwh_ \- wind beneath - _hwwwh_ \- your wings.' He reconsidered. 'Or sails. _Hwwwh_.'

Nursey closed his eyes and nuzzled up into the air, still grinning. Chris's heart flip-flopped. He forgot, sometimes, just how beautiful Nursey was.

'Wow, it's-it's like I'm on the open water right now,' said Nursey. He peeked one eye open. 'I think I feel a thinkpiece coming on.'

'You go for it, D!' Chris cheered. 'Reach for the sails!'

'Even if you miss...,' Nursey said leadingly.

'...you'll land among the sharks,' Chris finished, in a phoney British accent.

Nursey snort-laughed, his face crinkling up with amusement. 'God,' he said, 'I love it when you get morbid.'

Chris grinned. 'Hey, D?' he said.  
  
Nursey sat up on his elbows, smiling sweet and close. 'Yes, my Carling Chrysanthemum?' His British accent was a lot better, obviously.

'Do you believe in love?' Chris asked, surprising himself. Oh. That wasn't the question he meant to ask. And still the words kept spilling out of his mouth: 'Like, real love. Forever and ever love. Ha ha.'

Nursey didn't stop smiling - but Chris could see that his question had pushed him in a way he hadn't expected; maybe hurt him, even.

'Nah,' said Nursey, shrugging lightly.

Chris felt a weird twinge in his chest. 'Oh,' he said. 'Ok! We can talk about something else now.'

Nursey pushed up his sleeves. 'If you want,' he said.  
  
Chris felt something sweet and humble surging through his heart; tender, too, though, like bruises. Every so often, Nursey reminded him that he trusted Chris to take him somewhere safe. And it made Chris feel--

it made him feel--

Well, anyway. He backed off, and started talking about Drag Race instead. When Nursey was ready, he would explain. 

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

They reached the top around 8, the sun never quite breaking through the clouds. The wind rustled the trees, green and red and brown, long low branches dark and winding. Chris was glad he'd brought his gloves. This high up, this early on, the air was on the bitter end of cool.

They were on one of the busier trails, according to Farmer (who still had a very good tour guide voice), ideal for families with kids. Usually it was really crowded in summer. In the middle of October, though, on a day that felt like snow, it was just the two of them there. They'd passed a couple going down on their way up, but that was it. It was a lucky day. A quiet day.

Chris took a long slug from his water bottle, closing his eyes at the slight sting of wind. He wondered how Dex was. He'd texted _here_ when he'd gotten home yesterday morning, but it'd been radio silence all last night. And he hadn't responded at all in the Group Chat today. Chris's hands itched to check his phone, but he knew there was no point. Signal wasn't great, halfway up a mountain.

He hoped Dex's dad was ok. Obviously there was no not-scary time to hear that your dad was in the hospital, but it was somehow worse, to have it happen right before your birthday.

'I guess love is like water,' said Nursey, 'if you're lucky enough to be a fish.'

Chris stepped closer to Nursey, hoping to hear him better. 'Wow,' he said, feeling lame, 'that's beautiful!' Nursey turned to him and smiled. 'Is that, um. Is that one of your poems?'

'Nah,' said Nursey, still smiling as he turned away, 'just something I've been thinking. Lately I've been trying to put into words... how I feel. About love.'

Chris thought about this, some, blinking out into the wind. Rrrrr. It was getting really cold! 'Am,' he said, rubbing his arms up and down a little, 'am I a fish? You think?'

'Uhh, I dunno,' said Nursey, shrugging off his pack, 'I think only you can say?' He unzipped his vest. 'I don't really know what I am. The thought of all that water-- c'mon, C, take it.'

'No, it's cold,' said Chris, shaking his head, 'I'm not gonna take your vest, man!'

'Stop, C, you know I run hot,' said Nursey. 'Look, your teeth are practically chattering! Just put it on!'

Chris's teeth were _not_ chattering. And if they were, it was only a little bit. 'Well, you take my gloves, then,' said Chris, forcing a fair trade.

Nursey furrowed his brow. 'But I don't need your gloves,' he said. 'I told you, I'm fine.'

'Well, I guess I'm fine, then, too,' said Chris, folding his arms.

'Uhh, _yea_ , you are.' Nursey waggled his eyebrows.

They grinned at each other. They made the switch.

'You think we can get Wifi up here? Wait, hold on--' Nursey looked up from his phone. 'Touch screen gloves, Chow? Oh, you fancy, huh?'

Chris shrugged. 'Nails done, hair done, everything big,' he agreed. Nursey crowed with delight. Chris bit back his smile. 'I doubt you can get signal all the way up here, though. I looked earlier and - nothin'.'

'Yea, but you looked on your iPhone,' said Nursey smugly, 'meanwhile, _my_ Android--' he paused '--also has no signal.' He sighed. 'No Snapchat, then, I guess. Hey, c'mere,' he herded Chris closer, away from the rocky edge, and held out his phone in front of them both. His phone made a dipping bell noise as he changed the camera to face-forward and hit record. 'Say hi!'

Chris did the shaka and stuck out his tongue, not really knowing who the video was for. 'S--up!' he said.

'Hey, Dex! Happy birthday,' said Nursey, in a super bright voice, bumping a little into Chris's back so they were both in the shot. He really did run warm.

'Oh, hey, Dex!' said Chris, beaming wide. 'Happy, happy birthday! We love you!'

Nursey laughed a little, and Chris felt it like a hug from behind. 'So, as promised, C and I... are here at the state park... on top of--uhh, some renamed mountain? It's really--' A sharp wind cut him off, making him laugh. ' _Hh_ -whoo!'

'It's cooold!' Chris said.

'Yea, you would love it,' Nursey agreed, 'this is like, prime Poindexter weather right here.' He rested his chin on Chris's shoulder, kind of swaying into him. Chris kept his eyes fixed on the camera in front of them, and tried not to blush.

Nursey was-- very warm. That was all.

'Uhh... we hope everything's ok back home,' Nursey was saying, his voice right in Chris's ear, 'and we hope you let us get a do-over when you get back. Only you would choose _hiking_ for your birthday and,' he scoffed a bit, still smiling, 'it's just not the same up here without you. Call us back, bro. We love you!'

'Love you, Dex!' Chris called, leaning back into Nursey. 'Happy birthday!'

Nursey ended the video with a sigh, slumping forward against Chris. Chris turned to the side to take the weight of him more fully.

Nursey hummed, pleased. 'Cuddly,' he murmured, nuzzling into his own vest. Chris aimed a smile at him so close he went cross-eyed. 'You wanna head down now? Or did you wanna take some pictures for Farmageddon and the fam?'

'In a bit,' Chris said, thinking it over. It wasn't all that cold, really.

 


	3. Chapter 3

 

Chris woke up - and right before his alarm went off, he grabbed at his phone. Nursey was still awake. He looked up from his own phone with a smile.

'Welcome back to the world of the living, babe--bun-- b-bud...dy,' he said.

Chris peered at him blankly. 'Why are you still awake,' he grumbled. He tilted sideways onto Nursey's shoulder.

Nursey leaned his head on top of Chris's head. Well. On top of his hoodie, at least. 'I've got that paper due, C, 'member?' Nursey's voice was soft and warm and filled up every inch of him. He smelled really good.

'Mm.' Chris opened his eyes and watched Nursey scroll through his phone. After a moment, he said: 'I see Luca's Instagram remains a source of inspiration.'

'Damn right it does,' said Nursey. 'You see that ass? Do you _see_ that ass.'

'Yea, I see it.' Chris closed his eyes. 'I like yours better.'

Nursey's laugh was warm with delight. 'Aw, Chrysalis... go back to sleep. Why'd you even set yourself an alarm?'

''Cus it's after midnight,' Chris mumbled. 'And I wanted to be the first person you saw today.' Nursey didn't say anything. 'I didn't get you a gift, 'cus I know you don't like that on your birthday, and I didn't get you any chocolate, 'cus I know you don't like that on Valentine's... but I want you to know that I lov' you a lot... I love how you make me laugh... I love the way you smile... I love how we never have the same conversation twice...' he trailed off, yawning. He'd had a whole list planned out, but the words just kept slipping through his mind. He sighed. 'I'm just really happy you're in my life. Ok?'

' _Chris_ ,' said Nursey. His breath quickened when Chris shifted closer to him.

Chris peered up at Nursey's face. 'Are you sad? Don't be sad.' He patted his leg clumsily, yawning. 'I'm sorry. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything.'

Nursey put his hand over Chris's hand. 'No. I'm glad you did. I--' His eyes roamed over Chris's face helplessly. 'Can I--?' he breathed.

Looking back, he could've meant any number of things. But Chris didn't ask what he meant; he just nodded.

And so they kissed - slowly, sloppily, Chris sliding his fingers smooth over the back of Nursey's undercut, swallowing his shivers down.

Down, down Chris went, pushed gently into Nursey's bed; the weight of Nursey's body, the touch of his tongue, the dimness of the room: all rushed up Chris's body at once, and his eyelids went down, down, down...

 


	4. Chapter 4

 

'Love is like,' said Derek, licking his lips, 'a wine bottle... with l-ess than a glass left.'

Chris took the bottle from him and drank. 'Sweet,' he concluded.

Derek watched him, unsmiling. He'd been in a bad mood all day.

'I meant the bottle,' he said, at length. 'Not the wine.' He took the bottle back, tipped it on its side. Nothing spilled onto the sand: the wine lay low, length-wise, and flat. 'Always runs out. See?'

'Well, why bother drinking, then?' said Chris. Derek looked away. 'Why bother doing anything at all? Everything ends. Even if the bottle went on forever-- well, we don't. So what does it matter that it runs out? You pour. You drink. Does that make it bitter?'

'--Will you and I end someday?' said Derek softly.

Chris blinked, thrown. 'I dunno,' he said. 'I can't really imagine my life without you in it.' Please don't ask me to try, he thought.

'You won't have to imagine it,' said Derek. 'One day it will just be normal. We'll live our separate lives, in our separate houses, with our separate--' he stumbled '--spouses.'

He stared down at Chris's hand on his knee till his eyes grew glassy. 'One day... you'll just be a post on my wall.'

'Yea, I'll like one of your Pulitzer-prize winning poems,' said Chris, 'and you'll say, _oh wow, Chris Chow, I remember him! He fucked me on a beach once. Not a great idea. Sand everywhere. I wonder what he's bringing home for dinner_.'

Derek's lips twitched: the closest he'd come to a smile all day. ' _Are_ you gonna fuck me on the beach?' he asked.

'Well, yea, eventually.' Obviously! What else were bougie beach houses good for? 'But not tonight. Like, it's cold--'

'You're always cold,' Derek murmured, fighting a smile.

'--and I'm just not, like, mentally prepared, you know?' said Chris. 'For the sand.'

'That's funny,' said Derek. And he even laughed. But he stared into the fire for a long time afterward.

'I'm sorry, D,' said Chris. Derek tilted his head, scrunched up his face.

'What are you always apologising for?' he said. He laughed again. 'It's-- you haven't done anything wrong. I'm just in one of my moods. _I_ should be saying sorry.'

'I shouldn't joke about it, though,' said Chris. 'I'm serious. I want you in my life--'

'I know,' Derek waved him off, 'I know.'

'I want to be serious about you,' said Chris. Derek still wouldn't look at him. 'I want to really... be with you. Not just.' He struggled. 'Like. We fuck when you're hard up.'

Derek made a thin noise between his teeth. 'You think I only want you when I'm hard up?'

'I don't think I really know what you want,' Chris said honestly. 'So I'm asking... If I'm allowed to really want you. If I'm allowed to want more here.'

'U--m,' said Derek, turning his face away, 'yea. Ok.' Chris didn't want to stare holes in the side of his head, but he happened to glance up at just the wrong moment, and he caught Derek wiping his face.

' _Derek_ ,' said Chris, tearing up immediately, 'I'm sorry. Can I come over there?' Derek nodded, still turned away. 'Can I hold you? Can I kiss you?' Derek nodded and nodded and nodded. Beneath their blankets his body shook. Chris pressed kiss after kiss to his temple, his ear, his cheeks, his chin.

'I'm sorry, I'm sorry,' Chris whispered. 'I just want us to be all right. I don't want to look back and think, I wish I'd told him. I wish I'd really tried.' Derek turned his face into Chris's, seeking out his mouth - and they kissed. For hours, it felt like. Seconds. Years.

Finally, Derek said: '--You don't say I love you anymore. And I know why, I know what I said, I say it all the time, love is--, it's not real, it always runs out. And I've been waiting for it to run out, I've been trying to play it cool, but it's not working.' Chris's heart plummeted to his feet. 'It's not working, I'm sorry, I love you, I love you, I can't seem to stop.'

Chris paused. The wine was kind of hitting him hard. 'Wait. Are you. Are you breaking up with me?'

Derek looked at him, stricken. 'What? No! _No_. Is that. Did you want that?'

'No!' said Chris, grabbing his hand. Derek raised their hands up and pressed his lips to Chris's knuckles.

Chris swallowed hard, heartweak, and he leaned forward and kissed Derek carefully between his brows. Beneath his lips, Derek wrinkled up his nose and laughed. Chris couldn't help smiling down at him.

'I don't want to say it if it hurts you,' said Chris. 'I wanna-- I'd rather show you. Does that make sense?'

'Yea. I mean, I've seen you hold it back,' said Derek. 'I can even tell that you want to say it, sometimes. And I-- at first, I really appreciated it. And I know that you would just tell me if this wasn't working. Like, I trust that you would do that. But I don't always-- I don't always trust myself. And I think I just need to hear it sometimes.' He lowered his gaze. 'I'm sorry, I don't know why-- I wish I understood... like, why my brain is this way.'

Chris ducked his head to meet Derek's gaze. 'Hey, don't apologise. We're both figuring it out at the same time. And that's ok. Ok?' Derek nodded, pressing down a smile. The dimple in his right cheek finally came out of hiding. 'I love you.'

'Yea,' Derek said quietly. 'Me, too.'

 


	5. Chapter 5

 

In all the rush of last-minute conferences, galas and goodbye dinners back in North Carolina, Chris had managed to mix up the dates with the electricity company and the pool service maintenance company. So the power was off until the next morning - but the pool looked fucking beautiful.

Inside their new house, it was a bit scary in that nighttime-unknown kind of way, towers of boxes looming large and somewhat menacing as soon as the sun had set.

It was hot outside. They'd had fudge pops for dinner, lactose intolerance be damned. Of course, Chris always got cold without Derek holding him, so they were snuggled up underneath Nikki's very ugly, very warm housewarming blanket. Derek was trying not to get sweat all over their brand-new outdoor ottoman: he was not successful.

Above them, the light of dead stars touched their eyes. Derek reached up and traced the sky and its constellations with his fingers. Chris watched him through eyes half-closed; and he loved him fully, with every breath.

'Hey.'

'Hey.'

'If the earth doesn't kill us all... where do you wanna live in like. 80 years?'

'Mm... Doesn't matter. Long as I'm with you.'

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See: [Are the Stars You See in the Sky Already Dead? ](http://www.slate.com/blogs/bad_astronomy/2013/08/13/are_the_stars_you_see_in_the_sky_already_dead.html)


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